Mirrors

Last night I was walking out of the bathroom and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I was wearing some pj pants that my sister got me, and a big t-shirt, but the t-shirt was sort of hiked up. I glanced, and then looked again. I can see it! I didn't think I could, but there it was. I also caught a look in the patio door reflection. I guess at 23 lbs I should be able to tell some difference, but I hadn't until last night. So then I had this epiphany about how I had avoided mirrors for so long

When I was younger, I would sit on the floor in front of a full length mirror and put on my makeup, roll my hair, etc. Of course that mirror was a little slanted as to make me loook thinner, but still. It would take me over an hour to get ready, it was my ritual and I loved it. I guess that in the past few years, when the weight really came on, I have avoided mirrors in an attempt to keep up with the denial. I realized last night that I brush my teeth in the kitchen, under the guise that bathroom germs can get on my toothbrush. Which is still kind of skeevy to me but whatever. I might blow dry my hair, but I never looked at myself, I kept my head down, I hadn't used any sort of hair tool in years. I did my makeup using my little compact mirror because I just couldn't stand to look at myself in a large mirror. I hated getting my hair cut, because of the damn mirror. I hated doing anything that involved a mirror. I wouldn't even try on clothes, I bought them and took them home and if they didn't fit I took them back. I hated mirrors!

My refusal to look at my reflection for the past 9 years, is what got me in the position I was in when I caught that glimpse of myself in the window at the school last spring. The relection that started this whole process. That day I wanted to die, to just lay down and die. I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but I knew I had to do something. Now here I am 6 months later with my whole life ahead of me, catching a looky loo at myself in the bathroom mirror, and feeling pretty damn good about things.

Mirrors man...

Oh boy

The good news is that I've lost another pound. This is without restriction so that's pretty cool. The bad news is that I threw up last night. I called the doctor today to let them know, and see if there is anything I need to look out for. They said that one time shouldn't do any damage, but to go on liquids today. I am pretty sure it was a virus, but who knows at this point. I will tell you that it scared the hell out of me, and afterwards my stomach was sore. I feel fine today, crampy and hungry but scared to death to even drink water. I'm not good at throwing up, but the pain I had last night was so bad I was ready to go to the hospital, getting it out was like an epidural 10 hours into hard labor. Nothing but liquid came up, and I had eaten about 2 hrs before that so I have no idea what happened.

Now that the grossness is over. Things have been pretty good. I did amazing over the holidays. I wasn't tempted to eat bad things. The family got together pretty much daily from Christmas eve up to last night and I drank my water and came home to eat. I think that this being on liquids today is a good thing, I've been considering doing that anyway because I don't have the energy I had 2 weeks ago. Then again I've been pretty sick with this cold or whatever it was so that might have zapped me.

I can feel my bad habits trying to come back into play. I know in my head that eating that crap will make me feel horrible, yet for some reason I try to justify or put those thoughts in the back of my head. It's a battle for my body! I just felt so good when I was clean, I try to remember that whenever the occasional Christmas cookie or bad carb comes past me. I'm not perfect, but I'm not over doing it. The problem is that if I have so much as one Christmas cookie, I feel like I'm toxic again. Like I said, it's a battle. I'm sure it will be forever. How cool would it be if it weren't though?

In other news. We (being me and the other moms in our family)took 12 kids to the movies yesterday. They ranged in age from 4 yrs to 12 yrs old. Most of them were 4-6 yrs though. People looked at us like we were crazy, or at least as if we were going on a 15 hr transatlantic flight with no escape. But they did great. We took up two rows, they all sat and ate their popcorn and watched the movie. When it was over we took them to Candyopolis. I thought to myself "so this is what a kid in a candy store looks like" and yes, it is pretty chaotic. We spent too much money on candy we could have gotten for a buck, but it was the experience. Afterwards we took them all back to my Nanas and played basketball with them. They watched my uncle's chickens and the boys played laser tag. We cooked out, because even though it's late December it was HOT yesterday and we could actually cook out. I would categorize yesterday was one of those days that things just fell into place perfectly, and I am thankful that my kids have these opportunities with their cousins. We made memories, and we're all about memories. Of course my day didn't end as well as it started, but that's ok. That happens sometimes.

Merry Christmas

We had a great Christmas. Yes, I am still sick, I feel like crap, but I pulled it together for the holiday. Today I'm just now getting out of bed and sitting up. Thank goodness the kids have their new toys to play with and it's warm outside so they can play out there. Right now the house looks a little like a storm came through, but what can I do...

We went to my Nanas for Christmas Eve. We all wore our pj's and we had fun. I ate 2 turkey and cheese pinwheels, some smoked sausage in bbq sauce and about 8 tortilla chips with some queso. I pretty much skipped the sweets. I was worried because aftr I ate the pinwheel I realized it had lettuce in it. But I didn't get sick or gassy this time so that was good. I'm still not ready to take on a salad! My baby girl was still battling a cold, and so was I. We didn't get home until after 10pm, and my boy was wired for sound. She went to bed right away but he stayed up until after midnight. I fell asleep until the man came and woke me up to put out Santa.

And this brings me to being Santa. For some reason, my husband and I are like two bumbling crooks on Christmas Eve. I am so paranoid that the kids will wake up and catch us, the rattling of bags scares the hell out of me. I dropped something on the wood floor and my husband looked at me and in a whispered yell said "what the hell are you doing? you're gonna blow it!" At that point I felt like the tall skinny guy to his Joe Pesci in "Home Alone". We finally got it all out and I fell asleep spooning my border collie on the couch. The boy woke up at the crack of dawn and we had to drag his sister out of bed. They were adorable! They are so hilarious when they open gifts, everything was "just what they wanted". After the gifts were opened I made a breakfast casserole. I blew it, somewhere along the way I screwed that casserole up. Next year I'm going back to my traditional holiday breakfast. Then I passed out in a cloud of fever. I woke up 2 hours later, just in time to make my broccoli rice casserole for dinner at Nanas.

I just sort of existed during dinner. I really wasn't feeling well at all. I had a glass of wine with dinner, any more than that and I would have said what I think about a particular situation with my Nana and gifts that are not only not picked up in person but are for people who can't even call her and say thank you for them for the past 10 years. But I digress.

I did pretty well at dinner. I ate a lot more than I've eaten in a very long time, but nothing like I use to. I had some turkey and I ate that first. Protein first! I took small portions and I ate slowly. I had some of my Nanas dressing, which is quite frankly to die for. And I also had a little bit of my casserole. No potatoes and no bread. I then had a small sliver of lemon pie minus the crust and the meringue. No loss on that, I don't like the meringue. Or however you spell it. After dinner I had the wine. I had a glass but I offered my husband some of mine and he took a big drink. I brought home a doggie bag because I knew I'd be hungry later.

My husband did a good job this Christmas. I got a new camera, some Magnifique perfume, the latest Sookie Stackhouse book, a ped egg, and some girly stuff that he always gets me. Brushes, hair clips, things like that. Hopefully I'll figure out how to work the camera and I can download some pictures. Our other camera annoys me, now he can use it for work and I don't have to worry about needing it.

So all in all we had a great holiday. We have a wonderful family and we all enjoyed ourselves and took some time to remember how lucky and blessed we are. Now I'm going to pass out here on the couch, with all the kids toys scattered around the house, and wait for the man to come home and rescue me. He'll send me to bed with some Nyquil and proceed to play with the kids toys. He enjoys them more than they do! We have a lot going on this weekend. Relatives coming in, a party for Nana on Saturday, church on Sunday. We're booked until after Jan4th. Then of course my fill is Jan 6th. I'm so excited!

Oh Christmas Tree

I am allergic to real trees. This breaks my heart because I adore real trees. My husband got me a beautiful artificial tree a couple of years ago. We realized I was allergic because for years I would get sick the week between Christmas and New Years. One year we put our tree up a week early and I got sick a week earlier. Weird huh? Last year I grabbed a little miniature tree and I broke out in a horrible rash wherever the thing touched me, that sealed the deal.

Because we do not have a real tree, I am perplexed as to why girl and I are sick. She is shooting oysters out her nose and I was up all night. I took some Nyquil and went to sleep around 11pm. I woke up at 2:30pm and couldn't get back to sleep. My throat hurt, and my ears hurt, but mostly I was just jacked up and wired for sound. I started to get miserable around 5am and at 6am I took more Nyquil. I slept until 10am.

So much to do, so little time. I want things to be perfect, but I'm starting to think it's not that big of a deal. I need to wrap my husbands gifts. I need to clean the house, I need to make sure the kids pj's and clothes for tomorrow are clean. I need to make sure that I take everything I need to take tonight. I have to pull it together until Friday then I'll go to the doctor. What's bizarre is that even though I feel like dirt, I still have some energy. I'm able to get it together enough to load the dishwasher, I'm able to do the things I need to do even though I'm wiped out. Every day I am amazed at how different things are.

On the positive. I weighed this morning and I'm down 3lbs from Sunday. Don't ask me how, I weighed myself 5 times. I do have a tendency to forget to eat. Now that the cramping is gone, I have nothing to remind me to eat. I'm staying away from the goodies, and I'm drinking a lot of water. I'm a machine.

Hold the peppers please

Tonight I ordered pizza for dinner. I ordered 2 mediums. A pepperoni/sausage for the kids and a thin crust supreme for the man and I. I had one slice, it was from Pizza Hut so we're not talking gourmet. It was very dry, which I actually like and it had very little cheese on it. So I had one slice and I guess a green pepper made it through. My mother once proclaimed to a waitress at a Pizza Hut "green peppers give me gas". I was 16 at the time and I was humiliated to the soles of my feet. She was about the age I am now. And I guess I inherited that gas and green peppers thing from her because I was tore up from the floor up.

There are no worries of more pizza tonight, because my son left the top open and my border collie ate all of the toppings off of the supreme pizza and 3 slices of the other one. I hope she gets gas. Or maybe not. Ok, I hope she gets heartburn, but not the gas that wakes me up in the middle of the night, thinking that we've been gassed by terrorists. That's not so good. The last time that happened was when she got her paws on the pan that held the turkey drippings and a turkey leg in them right before Thanksgiving. Good lawd. That was just bad.

So much to do!

I can't believe that Christmas is the day after tomorrow. I have so much to do still. Yesterday we had a cookie party, all of the kids came over and we decorated cookies. They took them home with them along with some fudge. It was fun, but afterwards I was exhausted! I did have a cookie though, and it was pretty good. I have nothing holding me back at this point. I didn't eat much at all yesterday, and I was a little sick at my stomach. For dinner I had some chicken salad with crackers.

Today I need to do some grocery shopping. I thought I had everything but as it turns out I don't. I need to get a turkey, courtesy of UPS thankyouverymuch. I need to get the stuff to make a deli tray for my husbands staff, and I need to get some celery. I guess I should probably get a couple of things for us to eat here at home the next couple of days. Prepping food has lost it's magic, I use to take my time, make it look nice, now I just throw it together.

We're going to my mother-in-laws to make a gingerbread house today. My girl is sick, horrible cold, but we're going anyway. Long story. My sweetheart of a husband came home last night, and after I went into a Nyquil induced coma he cleaned the house and wrapped all the kids gifts. I was really planning to use that as a bargaining point for the gingerbread house. Ah well, he's a keeper, he had worked about 14 hours yesterday and did that when he got home. You don't find those sorts of men on every corner.

Eating solids and the dreaded slime

On Thursday I was officially on solids. I went to lunch with my sister and my cousin, and I ordered a grilled chicken breast. I had to choose two side items and I chose mashed potatoes and this squash casserole. There weren't a lot of options and no way was I eating salad.

I ate about 1/2 of the chicken breast, in tiny little pieces. I was so afraid something would happen. I ate maybe 1/8 cup of the potatoes and 1 bite of the squash casserole. It was disgusting. I was pretty full, I boxed the chicken breast up with my daughters leftovers and left satisfied. I think that morning I had a scrambled egg for breakfast, but I shared it with a 13 month old so probably 1/2 a scrambled egg. That night for dinner, I had some buffalo chicken wings. I ate them very slowly and got full pretty fast. So in all on Thursday I got a lot of protein.

On Friday I had a scrambled egg for breakfast. I had decided that since school got out that day, I needed to finish up Christmas stuff because no way am I going shopping this time of year with a 4 and a 5 yr old. Individually it would have been fine, put them together and I'm in over my head. So I dropped the boy off at school at 8am, and went shopping. I was finally done at 1pm. I was exhausted. I hadn't eaten, but I stopped at the grocery store deli and got some chicken. It was good, I ate enough to feel satisfied but not too full. This was at about 2-ish. I went to my Nanas for dinner that night and I had probably a little less than a cup of chili. I ate slow and got full fast.

Yesterday I found that I was very hungry and there was nothing holding me back but sheer will. I had some spaghetti o's for lunch, I didn't eat breakfast. For dinner I made some chicken quesadillas with grilled chicken and low fat cheese. I squashed up some avocado and had that with low fat sour cream. Basically I took a big tortilla, filled it with 1/2 if that of the chicken and then a sprinkle of cheese. I ate a whole one. I was shocked. It doesn't seem like much, but in my eyes now it was. I was full. Definitely should have stopped sooner.

Today I woke up and had some cottage cheese. I had some melba toast crackers with it, and after I was done, I felt it coming on. I ran to the kitchen because it was closer and I experienced the dreaded slime. I guess I didn't chew the toast good enough. Pretty much it is exactly what it sounds like. A lot of saliva, not to be gross but it was pouring out of my mouth. I didn't throw up, but I was sure I was going to. I took a sip of water and now I'm fine. That is definitely not something I want to happen again. I was sure I could avoid it but I guess not.

Some things that I've noticed now that I'm back in normal eating mode. At lunch the other day, the girls I was with ordered the lunch portions of their meals. To me it just looked like a huge amount of food. I couldn't fathom eating that much. Yet at one time, I could and would have without so much as blinking. I also noticed that I instinctively go for the healthier choice. Fried or high fat foods aren't even in my line of vision at this point. I also notice that I am a friggin' machine when it comes to stamina. I move faster, I move smoother, I move like the wind. I have so much energy that it's like I'm a different person. I'm happier, almost manic happy. I have this sense of the world being wonderful and the future being so bright. I look forward to things that I didn't use to look forward to. Mind you I haven't lost any more weight since the initial weight I lost post op. I'm only down about 20lbs, but I feel different. I think my body is pure, there is no sugar, caffeine or crap holding me down.

I get my fill on Jan 6th. I really can't wait!

Rules I Live By When Shopping

I'm a pretty laid back person, well not really but I pretend to be. But there are just some things that I cannot stand at the grocery store. These rules go out the the jerks I ran into today on a regretful trip to the local Walmart Supercenter.

#1 - The self checkout lane. Unless you have less than 10 items, no coupons, and know what you're doing, stay away from it. I hate it when people take 2 carts up there to self checkout and then I have a pack of batteries and a car load of people waiting in the car. It pisses me off.

#2 - Once you get in your car, MOVE. Especially when it's cold and rainy. Get the car started and give up that spot right in front of the store. There are cars backed up a mile. It is usually the dude in front of me who refuses to move until that car moves. Meanwhile I'm stuck back there having a nervous breakdown. Or I might be the one waiting for you. Depends on my mood and how big a hurry I'm in.

#3 - When walking in the parking lot, get the hell out of the way. Please don't walk right down the middle of the aisle where we all pile up behind you like you're the pace car at the Indy 500. Just move your big ass, and do it without a sneer.

#4 - When driving through a parking lot, especially when you are driving past the front doors, watch what you're doing. Don't pass up a car that is sitting in front of the door while Old Lady Jenkins is loading up her cases of orange pop. Today some ass did that and nearly took my girl out. If I hadn't nearly died I would have kicked the guys ass, I would have gone to jail right before Christmas.

#5 - If you have 2 baskets full of crap, and someone is neck and neck with you, with a box of diapers, let them go first. Don't be a jerk, it's just good manners. I almost got taken out by a dude with 2 Guitar Hero's and an XBox today when I went to pay for my Littlest Pet Shop Wii game. Seriously.

#6 - Don't chit chat with Mary Sue in the baking goods aisle. Move to the side. And when someone tries to come by, don't give them a dirty look, they just want a bag of powdered sugar, not your soul.

I'm sure I have more. I could write a book. But I'm trying to be positive. No really, I am. I'm going to start carrying around a spray water bottle. And when people do this crap, I'm going to spritz them. It worked with my dogs, they see that bottle they stop barking/fighting/running around the house. It also worked with the kids, but don't tell anyone that.

4 weeks later!

I can't believe it's been 4 weeks! Today I'm officially on solids, which is so weird to me. Including the pre op diet it's been 5+ weeks. I don't feel any urge to eat anything in particular, I'm just happy to be back on cooking for the family and joining them in meals. Again, with me it's always the social aspect.

Yesterday I had a scrambled egg for breakfast, some cottage cheese for lunch and yes again, refried beans for dinner. For a snack I had some fat free cream cheese with melba toast. I have just got to quit with the beans or I'll be living alone soon.

In other news. I cannot believe that Christmas is a week away. I usually have everything bought by now and all I have to do is my baking. The boy gets out of school early tomorrow for break and I have simply got to finish my shopping. Next week will be a little crazy with them both home. I love them, and they are fantastic kids, when they are the only kid. But put them together and the fighting starts. Good grief, the fighting. It's like living in a house with two mad cats who hate each other. The only thing worse than the fighting, is when they gang up on me. Together they are an unstoppable force. Even the whole "Santa is watching" barely puts a dent in their armor these days. I suspect it's because of the cold weather and not being able to get out and run off their energy.

I can only get my Xanax filled and hope for the best. It's two against one. I don't stand a snowballs chance in hell!

Very little restriction

The swelling has gone down, and it seems that things have changed. I get full faster, but I get hungry again faster. I'm eating every 2 hours now, so I'm making sure that when I do eat it's high protein. Cottage cheese, beans, eggs. Last night was the boys Christmas program at school, and the girl had tumbling. I was running around like a madwoman trying to get it all done in time. We had 20 minutes to grab something for dinner before we had to be at the school. My stomach was hurting like hell so holding off wasn't an option. We went to Wendy's and I had a baked potato with some chili. I ate what was mushy in the potato, there was quite a bit left on holding on to the skin. I ate about 1/2 of a small chili. I was full. When I got home about 2 hours later I had some pimento cheese with some rye crackers. Otherwise yesterday I had cottage cheese for breakfast and I guess I skipped lunch because I can't remember eating anything. That's weird.

So yesterday was a stressful but good day. No pain, still a little tired, but good overall.

Much better

I'm definitely feeling better. I'm not hurting anywhere, but I'm still so tired. I feel like sleeping and I can't get any motivation. I think today I might focus on my protein intake and make sure that I'm getting enough. I also think that with the mushy phase, I might be taking in too many carbs, carbs wipe me out.

Yesterday I slept really late, so I skipped breakfast. I know, I'm bad. I had some refried beans and cheese for lunch with guacamole (I have to stop with the beans, but they are so easy and high in protein). At dinner I made the family a roast with potatos and carrots. I had some of the potatos, and some of the roast. I didn't have much of it, because I was exhausted after chewing it. For snacks I had some of that nasty spray cheese with melba toast. I drank a lot of water yesterday, I'm really working on my water intake.

And in other news, we hung up our Christmas lights yesterday. It was nice outside, probably in the mid 70's. We had some wind, but in Oklahoma we expect wind. So we're standing there, and a huge gust blew through, and I swear to you the temperature dropped 5 degrees right away. We just got the shrub lights on and it was freezing. It was in the 20's by 7pm. Crazy weather I tell you. Today it's cold enough to freeze the balls off of a brass monkey. I didn't take the boy to school today, and believe me, he was going to school come hell or high water. My loving husband did it for me, so I didn't have to get out this morning. But I will this afternoon, and I'm dreading it. I'm so cold lately. I use to be hot all the time, regardless of the weather. Now I just shake and shiver in the cold. I'm ok with it, I can always put on more clothes. When it's hot you can only take off so much and then next thing you know, the popo is hauling you down to the big house for indecent exposure. I'm not doing that again. Heh.

Here's to another good day!

Much better today

I think I must have needed rest. I feel so much better today, but I'm still tired. I guess I won't be having a cycle this month, because any cramping I had is gone. Hey, I'm not complaining, because no way am I pregnant and if I can skip a period without being pregnant, I'm celebrating.

Yesterday I literally slept all day. Well, I rested. I guess I did too much last week, I have a hard time remembering to pace myself. I went and did some grocery shopping late last night, as to avoid the crowds, I also avoided the shelves being full. I'm telling you, it was slim pickings.

Yesterday I had some grits for breakfast. I had some potato cheddar soup for lunch. I have to say that Bear Creek soup is fabulous. I had about 1/4 c of cottage cheese for a snack and I had some spaghetti O's w/meatballs for dinner. I realize that isn't a good dinner. I was exhausted and just opened it up and ate it. Sue me.

I'm hovering weight wise. But I'm cool with it. Today I'm cooking a roast in my crock pot with potatos and carrots. I'll likely eat the vegetables and have something for protein.

I feel like crap

I guess I cursed myself yesterday, bragging about not having any down time. I feel like dirt today. I was in the ER with the boy until about 1am last night, (he's fine, he has the croup) and then I couldn't get settled down until about 2am, and I got up at 7am. This was after running all over the place all day yesterday. I have PMS, and I'm dealing with a tremendous amount of gas right now. I can feel it all over my body. I'm achy, my head is pounding and I'm just feeling bad. It could have nothing to do with the band, or I could have over done it. I called the doc today and they told me that the gas was probably due to the PMS and the change in diet. I've been eating beans for protein, so duh.

I hope to feel better by tomorrow. For breakfast today I had some Cream of Wheat, and for lunch I had some refried beans, with cheese, and guacamole here at home. Gee, I wonder why I'm gassy? Tonight we went to my sisters graduation and before that we went to Outback. I had a couple of croutons off of the mans salad, then I had a baked potato and 3 shrimp. I ate the shrimp in tiny bites and chewed it until it was mush. It was good, and I was pretty full and didn't finish. I also had half of a glass of wine. Then on the way home we stopped and got a frozen custard. I ate about 1/4 cup of that. It was too cold! My crazy kids wanting ice cream when it's freezing outside. Little monkeys.

Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow!

OK, back to me now

So. I'm now 3 weeks out, and I can't tell I had anything done. The only time I ever feel "pain" is when I get hungry, then my stomach lets me and anyone else in the vicinity know about it. It also hurts, it cramps like spasms or something. I hate it, but it goes away as soon as I get something in my tummy.

I've been walking a lot and I've been really busy. I have a ridiculous amount of energy and stamina. I read where some people are still down at 3 weeks, or are still in pain. I just haven't had that which means I'm really lucky, or something isn't right. I'm chosing to think I'm lucky.

Today I had cottage cheese for breakfast. And I had a baked potato with some broccoli cheese soup for lunch. I ate about 1/2 of it and I was stuffed. I'm learning to quit when I'm full. It's weird because sometimes I can't tell if I'm full, or if my stomach just hurts. I quit eating just in case. Lunch was at 11:30 and so at 4pm I had a rumble in my tummy and started to hurt in my back and my stomach. I came home and had my old standby, tomato soup. I will probably have some beans later on.

Tomorrow night we are going out to dinner before my sisters graduation. It looks like we're going to Outback. I guess I need to get on their website and find out what I can have.

I'm down 20lbs since I started the pre op diet. But I've lost inches, I'm down a size and thisclose to another size. It seems that the constant walking and running around and increasing my calories has helped me drop pounds. It's coming off pretty steady, but not too fast. I'm ok with that.

SPOTLIGHT ON...

My sister! Rather than babble on about my "process" today, I want to brag on my sister. Two years ago, my sister went back to school after being out of school for 10years. Her goal, was to become a nurse. She has two children, and is married, and nursing school is not for the faint of heart.

She has always been incredibly smart, even when she didn't try she made good grades. So I never really doubted that she could do the work. What concerned me was her ability to do the work AND be a mom and a wife. But she did it. And she worked too.

Tonight she took her final nursing exam, and she passed. She finished nursing school with a "B" average. She did this raising a family, and working midnights shifts at the hospital in order to give her that "edge" she needed down the road. The pay wasn't bad either. But anyway, she did all this and made a freaking "B". She graduates Friday night and I couldn't be more proud of her, or happy for her, if it were me. For the record, I couldn't do what she did. I don't have the ability to stick it out during the hard times.

My sister can't buy luck. She gets ahead and something knocks her on her ass. It's always been that way for her. But for as long as I have known her, she has always had this insane ability to be happy for others. I don't know how she does this. When I got my band, you would have thought that she was getting one. When I got a new shirt she was as happy as if I got a new house. She's just one of those people who doesn't know the meaning of the word "jealous". Then again, if she was jealous, she would out and out tell you, she's not subtle nor is she passive aggressive in any way. She's an ass kickin', loud mouthed, loveable...nurse. And I have no doubt in my mind, that the world is a better place, with her being one. That her compassion, mixed with her badassedness, will make her the best stinkin' nurse the world has ever seen.

So, tomorrow she and I will be going to get our nails done, and shop for something fabulous for her to wear to her graduation Friday. We haven't spent much time together the past two years, and I can't wait to hang out. And not have her worrying about school, or studying, or any of the crap she no longer has to worry about. We're just gonna hang. And if something happens, like if a man passes out in the nail shop, she can say "it's ok, stand back, I'm a nurse".

Good news/bad news

OK, well I'm hungry and wanting specific items, specifically chocolate. I believe it is due to PMS and I am fighting it, but it's the first time I've craved anything. Now is when it becomes mind over matter. I have to work through it, and I feel like I can. It seems weird to be hungry, it's been so long. I'm also feeling a little bitchy, so that tells me it's PMS.

The good news is I've lost 2 pounds and now I'm 20 pounds down since I started the pre op diet 4 weeks ago today. I'm pretty excited, but to tell you the truth, I sort of stopped being obsessed with the scale. You know how if you don't need anything out of the dryer, your clothes dry fast. But if you need clean underwear it will take forever for them to dry? I think the scale is like that.

I woke up late this morning because I had a migraine and had to sleep it off. I wasn't at all hungry when I woke up so I skipped breakfast and waited until about noon to have some tomato soup. At around 3:30 I had some squeeze cheese and I just had my dinner. Some ricotta cheese with marinara. I'm full.

Happy Birthday Ma!

Today is my mom's birthday. I won't say how old she is, but it's a major birthday. OK, she's 60 today. We all went out to dinner for her birthday, and it was my first meal out since the surgery.

I had a little of a few things. I had some bourbon chicken, it was easy to chew up and make mushy. I had a baked potato, and I had some cottage cheese. I was going to have some soft things,mac and cheese,stuff like that, but I wanted to fill up with protein rather than carbs. I skipped the soup, I just couldn't go there. For dessert I had some sugar free pudding. It wasn't bad, usually the sugar free stuff is too sweet for me, but this wasn't.

I wanted a salad sooo bad. I also wanted bread, but not as bad as I wanted the salad. I was full, but not miserable by any means. I was the only one not miserable, that was sort of nice. I think that one of the reasons I don't go to buffets are because I never feel like I get my money's worth. I mean really? $10 for that little bit of food? At least it wasn't a $9 soup, that's where we were going originally. I don't think there are many buffets in my future.

So the first meal out was fun! I'm definitely feeling back to normal. I am also down a size and the scale is moving now that I'm eating again. My jeans are baggy and the shirt I wore today didn't fit me a month ago. I'll take it.

Friday!

Today I found a new dish. I took the kids to my Nana's for dinner tonight, because we were having birthday cake for my mom and my cousin. She was making spaghetti, and obviously I can't have that. So I grabbed some Ricotta cheese, threw in some salt and pepper with a touch of oregano. I put some pasta sauce on it and nuked it. Oh.my.gosh. was it good. I can't believe I haven't been eating this. Bonus, the ricotta cheese has our new best friend (next to tomato soup of course) PROTEIN! It was the perfect consistency for this stage of the game, and it was very tasty.

I also saw a little thing of Ben and Jerry's cake batter ice cream, so I grabbed it. Apparently my body hates sweets, because one bite of that and I was sort of disappointed. It didn't taste that good to me. I mean it wasn't that it was bad, but it wasn't "worth it". I like that I can say that something isn't worth the calories. And I'm a chocoholic, so for something chocoholic to not be worth it is a huge deal. I'd rather shoot spray cheese on my finger and eat it than eat that ice cream. I think my body is finally empty of all the crap I've been giving it all these years, and it's rejecting it.

I crave healthier things. I would love to have a big salad, I would love to have some baked chicken. I want turkey, I want oatmeal. I want to feel as good as I've felt the past 3 weeks for the rest of my life.

But I should have PMS next week. And we'll see how my body responds to that. In the past it hasn't been pretty.

Two week follow up!

I made it to the two week mark. No more soup! Well, not just soup and that's something. I'm able to eat anything that is mushable. Or pureed. Or soft. You get the idea. The doctor said everything looks great, and I'm scheduled for my first fill on Jan. 6th. That should be interesting. Of course this means that I'm on my own and I have to hold myself accountable until then, apparently right around Christmas I'll be healed with no restriction. This does not bode well for me. But right now, I'm still swollen so I'm getting full ridiculously fast.

I'm not dropping tons of weight, but I've lost about 15 pounds in the last 3 weeks. Now that I'm eating more, I should start dropping weight. At least I hope so.

I've noticed that my tastes have changed. I can't stand the taste of anything but water, and it has to have lime in it. I have no desire for diet soda, tea, coffee, anything like that. I'm just all about water with lime. I couldn't be happier about it. I'm almost afraid to eat, I can't even imagine eating any sort of solid food. What if it hurts? What if it's too soon? What if I throw up? AHHH!!! Too much pressure! I bought a bunch of soup today and B asked me why. I told him I'm just too afraid still, I need the soup to be there.

Soup is my friend. It's been there. I love it. It loves me.

The snack bag

My boy is in kindergarten, and each month a kid is assigned snack day. The teacher sends home the snack bag, with the little tag on it that tells how many kids, how many adults. I remember early in the month, the man asking me when our snack day was. I also remembered that back in October, I bought a big bag of individual bags of pretzels thinking that it would be perfect for snacks. I do this on occasion, think ahead.

I was down and out from the pre op diet on, drama queen that I am. I guess snack day fell when I was out of commission. On Monday we got a note saying that the snack bag was missing, and would whoever had it please return it. I thought to myself "what kind of loser, steals the class snack bag?" Yeah, you guessed it, it was me. I found it when I was going through the piles of stuff my dear husband made while he was in command of the ship. (I could write a book about my husbands obsession with piles. It's absurd.)

I considered throwing it in the bottom of the poly cart. I considered throwing my husband under the bus and blaming it all on him. He did, after all, pile things on the snack bag. Instead I went to the teacher, and said "I'm sorry, I had the snack bag". My thinking was, what if she KNOWS who took it, what if she remembers that we were the last to have the snack bag? If I lie, she'll know and my sons entire academic career from kindergarten on would have a black cloud of lies overhead. I had to admit it, for his future if nothing else.

So yeah, it was me. I took the snack bag.

Last day of liquids!

I've read about how the band feels tight in the mornings. The last couple of mornings I've noticed it. It's hard to explain exactly what it feels like. I haven't had anything put in my band yet, so I'm not sure why I can feel this, I assume maybe there is still some swelling or something.

Today is my last day of liquids. I go back for my 2 week follow up tomorrow and I get to start on "mushy's". Or as my nutrionist calls them "soft foods". I don't care if they call it dog doo on a stick, if I can chew it, then I'm there.

I'm 100% right now. I'm ready to shop, talk to people again, get out amongst the living. Yesterday I wore jeans. They fell off of me everywhere but around the waist. I don't usually have a big waist, but I suppose there is still some swelling up there. It was weird to see my clothes hanging like that. I mean good weird, it was a sign that something is happening with my body. I also am also down a size in sweats and tops. I realize that doesn't sound like a big deal to lose a size in sweats, but nobody looks good in tight sweats.

I'm looking forward to today, the girl and I are going to do some shopping before her tumbling class. We're moving into the new flip factory today! It's very exciting, she got to check out one of the trampolines the other day and she's really excited to get on the balance beam, it's by far her favorite. She has her fathers grace, her mother has none.

Things are moving

I'm moving, the scales are moving, everything is moving. I weighed today and after almost 2 weeks of nothing, 3 pounds came off. That's a total of 18 pounds since I started my pre op diet 3 weeks ago today. I'm definitely losing inches, I feel like I can breathe better already as well. My sister saw me tonight and she looked like she had seen a ghost. She was completely blown away. My sister is not prone to blowing smoke up anyone's ass, least of all mine, so I tend to believe her. She has no idea how much her saying that meant to me. It literally revived me for another long haul. She's awesome. Seriously, if you met her you would say to yourself "wow, she's awesome". Or you might say "holy shit that chick is scary" but eventually you would find her to be awesome.

Yes, things are moving. Unfortunately, some things opted to try and move while I was out shopping. I'm not an out of the house bathroom chick, especially when I have no idea what to expect. If it seems as if I'm obsessed with my bathroom habits, it's because I am my grandmothers granddaughter. I tend to be careful in telling her I haven't gone, because she might slip me a pink micky. She thinks if you don't go daily, then something is wrong. Then she comes at you with a pink pill, if you have any sort of hope of retaining any sort of dignity, you run as far and as fast as you can from her.

I find that I no longer want to sleep, I just want to stay awake because I feel so damn good. It's like if I go to sleep, I might wake up feeling crappy again and I don't want that. But when I do sleep, I sleep better than I've slept in years. I guess I have a sense of calm about me. Or maybe I just have hope. Whatever I have, I'm grateful every day for it.

Planning Christmas

I'm feeling pretty good today. Still haven't lost any significant weight yet, but I'm upping my water, and my protein and moving around more. I definitely feel lighter and I have more energy. We took the kids to get some Christmas decorations and stuff, we spent waaaay too much money. But it's Christmas so what are you gonna do?

We opted to get them these ridiculously large stockings this year. Normally I'm a stickler for tradition, but as they get older, it makes more sense to have bigger stockings. I think what I'll do is take their picture each year and make little buttons for the stockings. It's an idea, but let's be honest, I'll be lucky to get their names on them. We also got our traditional ornament. We each pick out an ornament and we mark the year on it. Bob and I have done it since our first Christmas. The kids love it.

I feel more normal now. Getting out does me good. I'm going to get some Christmas shopping done this week. Get the house all cleaned up and ready to decorate next weekend. Before you know it, I'll be baking everyone's favorite goodies for Christmas. Everyone has something they wait all year for me to make, and I'm glad I feel like doing it this year. The truth is, of all the things I make, and I make a lot of stuff, I never really eat much of it so that won't be a huge problem.

On Thursday I go in for my 2 week follow up. At this time I will be moved on to what some call "mushy's", by nutritionist calls them "thick liquids". Whatever, I'm happy to move on to something that I don't have to drink. I won't be missing soup, I can tell you that. I also won't be partaking in baby food either. I just can't pull the trigger on that. Today I bought some things in preparation for the big day. I got some cream of wheat, grits (I'm from the south and I have never had grits, if you can believe that). I also bought deviled ham, and chicken. I don't know what's going to happen with this, but I'm going in optimistic. I also bought a couple of avocados that will be just right for dinner on Thursday night.

Tonight I made Bear Creek tortilla soup, those Bear Creek soups are awesome btw. I made it up, threw in some tortilla chips and put it through the food processor. It was pretty good, and I got full really quickly. It was a little thicker than my other soups, but I did really well with it. It's a strange feeling to get full so quickly. I like it, but it's weird.

I can't seem to get all the water in that I want to get in. And things still aren't "moving" as well as I would like them to. But I'm working on it. I'm upping my protein, and hoping that will help as well. I feel like my G.G. with the getting things moving nonsense.

Kettle chips and diet pepsi

It use to be that on Friday nights, I would get my US magazine in the mail. I get this because my friend Tina sent me a link to get a years subscription for $5. Whenever I get the mail, I see it, and I say "thanks Tina", then I go inside and make myself an ice cold diet pepsi, grab a bag of kettle chips and settle in for a while. It wasn't that unusual for me to consume the entire bag of kettle chips.

Last night, I got my magazine, said "thanks Tina", went in the house and had a carnation instant breakfast with a blob of peanut butter and some ice water with lime. Not the same. It's little things like this that remind me that things will never be the same. The only thing that is worse than not being able to have the chips and diet pepsi, is that it bothers me that I won't get them. Why does it have to bother me? Why can't I just be ok with it?

I'm a work in progress, I realize this. I made it through Thanksgiving, and I made it through the realization that Friday nights with US and kettle chips and diet pepsi are over. In a couple of months I will be able to eat kettle chips again, and in about 6 months I can have diet pepsi again. I have got to get my mind set changed or next year at this time I'll be spending my friday nights just as a did a month ago. I have to come up with other things that I look forward to that do not involve food. I don't know how to do this, it's just how I have always done things.

Should I take up knitting? I don't know.

I survived Thanksgiving

I made it through Thanksgiving. At one week post op I was souping it while the rest of the family had their regular dinner. Seriously, being a week post op at a holiday dinner is like being a recovering drunk at a kegger. Everyone sort of looks at you like "is she ok, can we eat". I did fine, I had my soup and I was full to the brim after eating it, the smell of food was a little nauseating to be honest. Ok, I'm lying to protect myself, it smelled good, but I was ok. I fought my niece over the one popsicle I took. She wanted it, I told her to stuff a turkey leg, she told me to chill, I told her to come back and talk to me when she is NO LONGER 7.

I was fine until I got home last night. Then I had the "what if's". What if I had just waited until after the first of the year. I would have met my deductible early in the year, I wouldn't have to be tired or weak during Christmas shopping. I would be able to stuff myself sick through the holidays. That's what I really thought if I'm being honest.

But this year, I picked me over the food. I'm feeling pretty good about that choice right about now. Yeah, I felt left out. I was 8 years old and taking my Mork and Mindy lunchbox into the cafeteria, I stuck out like a sore thumb. But I did it, and because I did it, I'll have many more Thanksgivings for it.

Again, I must stress that if I am injured or disabled in any way after I hit my goal weight, I'm kicking somebody's ass. Not unlike I was willing to do to a 7 year old over a cherry popsicle.

Happy Thanksgiving!

It's Thanksgiving, one of my very favorite holidays. Thanksgiving is serious. My cousin and I take it very seriously. In our family we are all assigned a dish for holidays. My sister was assigned the green bean casserole. Last year she fell ill (we question that to this day) and was unable to make the green bean casserole. Not only that, no one else had planned for it, and that's not a dish that can be thrown together unless you are prone to keeping fried onions in your pantry.

Upon realizing that the green bean casserole was at risk, I rushed over to my cousins on the way to my Nanas. I hockey stopped in her driveway, and yelled out the window "there is no green bean casserole". She ran back into her house, and ran back out carrying a can of cream of mushroom soup. "It's not enough, we have no fried onions!" "THANKSGIVING IS RUINED, SHE RUINED THANKSGIVING!!" We were in full on panic. All the phones were ringing, calling around for fried onions. We knew that she had some, but we couldn't get my brother in law to offer them up, and no one wanted to flat out ask for them. My Nana searched her pantry and came up with a few cans of green beans. GREEN BEANS? PLAIN GREEN BEANS?!?!? NO THAT WILL NEVER DO! WE MUST HAVE FRIED ONIONS!!! In my memory of the day, it was mass hysteria, people throwing off their clothes as if they were burning their skin, we were writhing in pain. It was horrible. In reality, I was the only one that really had an issue with it.

Eventually we sent my sister who was 18 at the time to the store to get some of those precious fried onions. The family was on dessert when she returned, she was 18 and no doubt had to go pick up a couple of her homies to go with her. I wasn't about to start until we had the green bean casserole. Thanksgiving dinner is VERY important.

This year, I will have soup while everyone else partakes in my absolute favorite meal of the year. At first I didn't want to go, I would just stay here and read and let this be another day. But then I realized that although it is my favorite dinner, there are other reasons I love to go to my Nanas on Thanksgiving.

After dinner, we all sit around full and miserable, with a plate of desert on our swollen bellies. We laugh about the fact that there is one bathroom for all 30 of us, and at some point in the day things are going to get ugly. Then we look through the ads for Black Friday and discuss how we should get up and go shopping. The kids run around and play in the leaves and tear things up. We play musical chairs for a comfortable place that isn't in front of a mirror, and we laugh. We laugh about Thanksgivings past and miss those who are no longer with us. We realize, although only to ourselves, that we are so truly lucky and blessed to have this crazy group of people to spend our holidays with. We thank God for each and every one of them, even though no less than 12 times this past year we cursed their existence for one reason or another.

So I'm going even though I can't eat. I'm going for what happens afterwards. I'm going because these people who annoy the sneezer out of me all year long, crack me up more often than not.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Ohhh, bad day

Today has been tough. We took the girl to get her 4 yr pictures taken. This was no easy task, from getting dressed to leaving the studio. I'm what, 5 days post op? I guess I think I should be able to run around like I did 2 weeks ago, and I got depressed when I got so exhausted and sore and tired so early. She and I usually run the mall, do our thing, and today it was just almost a chore. She wanted to look at boots. I wanted to look at boots too, but I knew I was running out of steam. I felt like I let her down. I don't know. We went to her tumbling gym and her coach was there, she got to try out the new trampoline, before anyone else, so she was all about that. Maybe that made up for it.

So anyway, we got the pictures. I was ready to scream but we got them. At the end, we had to get a couple more to fill up the roll. She refused, REFUSED. So I got down on the floor, and posed to try and convince her to do it. I have done some pretty self humilating things to get that child to do what I need her to do, and this was no different. Was it as bad as doing the bunny hop in ballet? Hmm... Probably not, but it was still pretty bad. But it worked, and we got them.

Afterwards, I sat there, sort of sore and a little hungry because I didn't think it would take so stinking long to do that so I didn't take a shake with me. The lady who did ours kept helping other people. Finally we got to pic out our poses, and paid. Then I wanted the layout so I had to wait for that. In the end, I was barely able to stand up and pissed off. I went to my moms and had some chicken broth. I was ok after that. But I definitely felt my limitations today. It made me sad, a little sorry for myself. I wanted to just get up and run after this and not even miss a beat. My body is a little more realistic than my brain I suppose.

So the question is. Do I take on the 2 giant hair knots under the upper level of my daughters gorgeous red mane? Or do I save that for a day when I'm not quite so zapped and risk it getting worse? If it gets much worse she's going to be sporting a pixie cut.

The most exciting pooh since 2003 (TMI)

I realize this is not necessarily proper conversation, if you are easily offended, please stop reading. I poohed today. There has not been this much excitement about pooh since my boy made his first pooh on the day he was born. I was sitting here, thought it was just another gas bubble, but something told me different. I stopped what I was doing, thought about it, then ran to the bathroom. Sure enough, there it was. I mean it wasn't magnificent, nor was it much. But it was there.

I was a little disappointed to tell you the truth. I guess after everything, I thought there would be more fanfare. I thought maybe some fireworks. Maybe some warning shots, perhaps a gurgle or something. But it was just what it was. Pooh.

But I feel like I've accomplished something. I got a little cocky. I went to pick Jack up at school. I'm still shaky and rubbery so I wasn't sure I could drive yet. But I did. I came home exhausted, but I did it. I'm starting to feel a little more normal now.

2 days post op

It's Sat and I've had this thing for 2 and a half days. I still wake up in the middle of the night, and smile because it's there. I am so absolutely thrilled with everything that has transpired over the last 2 weeks, and I am as giddy as a fat girl who lassoed her first boyfriend.

I took myself off of the devil pills that the doctor gave me, because they made my mouth so dry that I couldn't sleep. I would wake up, sip some water and I could actually feel my mouth come back to life. I got an Advil gel cap down today (thank God for Advil gel caps) and I'm off the hard stuff for good. I really would be fine without anything. But I feel a little bit sore and it helps me get comfy for bedtime. I took a shower today, it was a day early but I really needed it. I felt really good afterwards. I did get hungry as a bear, so I made some tomato soup, I ate about 5 sips of it and got full as a tic. So I stopped. The old me would not have stopped, she would have drank down the warm tomato-y soup with all the yummy flavors until she puked. But the new me just quit while she was ahead. It will be just as good warmed up later when I'm hungry again.

The big thing I was concerned about was the gas pain. I had heard such horrible things. The day of my surgery I told the doc that I was afraid of the pain, he told me not to be, they would get rid of it. I guess they did because I haven't had hardly any gas pain. I'm passing gas just fine, and it's coming out with a vengeance from both ends. It's cool though, at least it's coming out!

Emotionally, I couldn't ask for more. I realize that could change at the drop of a hat, but for now I'm enjoying the bliss. I'll be skipping Thanksgiving this year, and I'm ok with that. I'll miss everyone, but Christmas is right around the corner. I can't wait for Christmas this year!

My surgery story

I got to the hospital one time, but for some reason they were backed up or something, so it took a while to get in a room. Then they gave me one of those funky gowns with the snaps that didn't even begin to allow for modesty. I sat there forever, then the doctor came in and we talked. Finally after about an hour and a half, they started with the IV and paperwork. I could tell the doctor was less than thrilled that I wasn't ready when he was.

So I went to the OR, they gave me a shot in my IV and the next thing that I remember was waking up in recovery next to some guy who kept saying he had to pee, the nurse kept telling him to go ahead and do it, he had a catheter in. Then another lady in recovery was screaming like a banshee. The fire alarm went off, and the lady next to me wasn't waking up from the anesthesia, so there were a ton of doctors working with her. Meanwhile I was laying there with my hands behind my head, just watching it all.

I got into my room, and within 10 minutes I got up and walked, went to pee, and took a pain pill. Next thing I know I'm home. I'm not in any pain, not any bad pain anyway. My stomach feels like it would feel if I were really hungry. Just sort of some spasm like things now and then. I slept ok, about 4am I went to the couch because I was hurting in my back from not being able to lay on my side. My mouth is so dry, it literally feels like I have cotton in my mouth.

Today I'm drinking broth, water, and some fruit juice. I'm not hungry at all, and I feel so amazingly good about the whole thing. I keep waking up from my demerol induced coma, not believing I actually did it, and I have no where to go butdown. No pain, feeling great, if I wasn't so drowsy from the pain meds, I'd go walk around the mall. So far, I haven't gas that bad. I have it, but it's not debilitating, just annoying.

I can definitely feel when I swallow that something is different. I can feel it stop. Twice last night and today, I had some water come back up on me, it wasn't bad, but it wasn't fun. I imagine I took too big a sip.

So I did it! The kids are being so sweet and they want to take care of me, and of course my Bobby is my rock. I don't know what I would do without him, and I have no intention of finding out.

Day before surgery

Tomorrow is the big day. At this time tomorrow I'll be home and hopefully high as a kite on liquid Vicoden. Yeah baby!

Today I ran around like a monkey on crack, how I did this considering the past 10 days is beyond me. I gave up on the protein shakes, I burped one up for 3 hours last night and decided that come hell or high water I was going to find something I could stomach, or start looking into wigs. I just couldn't stomach them. I don't even want them in my house. I took some back to GNC and when the dude (cause they're all dudes, big buff dudes), when he asked if something was wrong with them, I wanted to say "yeah, they taste like ass" but I settled for "yeah, they taste like something my dog threw up".

So bought some of these nifty protein bullets. I got fruit punch and blue raspberry. They taste delicious, I am currently enjoying one mixed with a glass of fruit juice. Quite enchanting as my husband would say. I also tried one of these Isopure fruit drinks all the cool kids are trying, it was gooooood. But, I downed all 20 ozs in a very short period of time, and now I have cotton mouth so bad. I haven't had cotton mouth like this since I quit drinking. YEARS AGO! Also, the 40 ozs of protein in a shot like that, sent me zooming. So either the Isopure gave me the energy or I'm bi polar. But I'm coming down, I'm tired, I'm ready to hit the sack and get up in the morning and get this bitch done.

Pre-op Day 9

48 hours to go. I'm doing pretty good actually. I'm not at all hungry, but I am dizzy and I have a headache. My biggest issue seems to be a complete and total lack of patience and/or tolerance. For this reason, I've secluded myself into my starvation cave until I am more "human-like".

I was very optimistic about the protein shakes going into this. I tried one at GNC and I thought it was pretty good, I thought I was in like Flynn. Once I made them at home, not so much. So I hold my nose while I drink it and then follow up with a lemonade chaser. Oh to catch a horrible cold right now would be a blessing. One of those "I can't taste anything" colds. Although I suspect these might find a way to break through all the goo. I don't know why this is a problem, 15 years ago I did shots of nastier things than this with my hands behind my back. Literally. But I guess it's part of it, I never ate anything that wasn't gross for 38 years and I got fat. If I have to suck down a few of these bastards for a couple of weeks then so be it.

This is so much easier now that I've come to terms with the emotional aspect of it. Not that I think I'm done by any means with dealing with myself, but at least I know the direction I need to go in.

I'm going through changes/Pre-op day 8

Today I start the liquid diet. I'm happy, I'm sick and tired of what I had to eat every day last week. It got old fast. Add to that, my appetite is gone and this is much easier.

Yesterday I took a muscle relaxer for cramps, since I can't take Advil. It messed me up so bad. I literally slept all day long. It was insane. I couldn't keep my eyes open at all. Today I feel better, but I definitely don't feel like myself. I'm certainly going through some personality changes right now. I'm usually funny, I can't find my laugh button. I'm not quiet at all as a rule, but I am now. I just sort of sit and watch what's going on around me, I can't even force myself to interact. I don't want to. I want to just be alone and come to terms with all that's happening. Sat. I broke down for the first time, I asked my husband why do I have to do this? Why can't I just not have a problem? Why do I have to go so far as to have surgery to lose weight and be healthy? Why am I so friggin' weak? He had no answers, but he did have big strong shoulders for me to cry on, and he held me as long as the kids allowed. I felt better after the breakdown, but I'm still asking why.

I guess there is no good answer. I guess I should just be happy that there is help for me, because the alternative isn't good. I just hope that in the process of losing the weight, I don't lose myself. I don't want to lose who I am deep inside. I like her, I'm proud of her. She is nice, compassionate, funny, likeable, she's a good person. Everyone loves her.

So I will keep that in mind, as I go through this process. I will keep her on the front burner and remember that she is the boss, regardless of what happens to the outside of the body is the boss of the inside. She makes the rules, and she sets the pace.

Pre-Op Day 5

I'm on day 5 of the pre-op diet. I hit the wall on Wed. and I have had to force myself to eat the past 2 days. It's bizarre because I'm averaging around 2 lbs a day, except for yesterday when I didn't eat enough and I actually gained. I have no idea what's going on with my body. I also woke up really thirsty so maybe it's water gain.

Yesterday I went to have the pre-op tests done. Bloodwork and an EKG, as usual all is well. Afterwards I hunted down this miracle protein and found it. The guy at GNC let me try it and it was awesome. Even the powder smells good. I got some coconut and banana extracts to put in the vanilla, I think knowing that there is a protein shake out there that I can get down takes away a lot of my anxiety. I haven't been terribly thirsty (except for this morning) so I'm hoping that will be the case from now on. I love my water, and sipping will be difficult for me.

Emotionally I'm all over the place. My husband called me last night at 8pm to check on me, I was great. At 8:30pm I called him and told him that I was leaving when he got home and I wasn't sure if I was coming back or not. My kids were fighting and out of control and my nerves are shot. Finally I just went to bed. Still no desire to cheat, no cravings, no issues with the dieting. I do think that it is affecting my demeanor and I hate that. I'm fighting it. So two more days of this and then the 3day liquid diet and we're on the launch pad. It can't come soon enough for me.

Pre-op Diet Day 2

Yesterday was the first day of my pre op diet. I did ok, I got pretty grumpy but I attribute that more to PMS than anything else. I woke up this morning and weighed myself and I lost 2.5lbs yesterday. I'm not sure how that's possible but there it is. Then again I pretty much ate nothing so that might be part of it. Whatever the reason, it made it really easy to stay on track today.

Today has been a little bit worse. Again, I think most of it is PMS. I'm not tempted to cheat at all, I'm just trying to get by one day at a time. I think that when I went on diets, there was always the possibility that if it got hard, I could just start again the next day. That's not an option this time around, I must do this. And another incentive, I just read that the smaller the liver (the whole purpose of the pre op diet), the shorter amount of time you're under anesthesia AND more importantly, the less gas they put in your tummy. I'm all about that. I remember having the gas pains after I had the boy, I also remember calling my mom the night I brought him home and telling her I was dying and that she needed to make sure he knew how much I loved him. This was 2 days after I had beeb wheeled into the OR faster than I ever imagined to be put to sleep for my c/section. I wasn't ready! I kept saying "wait, wait, wait". They slowed down enough for me to tell my husband that I loved him, and then I thanked them because if I died, I didn't want my last words to be "wait". I'm prone to dramatics I suppose.

So now I've made it 2 days out of 10. They say after day 4 or so you hit the wall and you aren't even hungry anymore. So I'm halfway to the wall. I hope to hit it hard and fast!

In the beginning

I am having lapband surgery on Nov. 20th. I start the pre-op diet tomorrow, and so today is sort of the last day of the first half of my life. The first half of my life wasn't bad. I grew up, I made the life changing mistakes that I needed to make. I met the love of my life and he gave me two beautiful children. The three of them have given me the courage, and the will to do what I need to do to make the second half of my life more productive.

I've always been a big girl. I lost weight here and there, but it always found it's way back. I am not proud of where I have gotten, weightwise. I'm not sure how it happened. I always thought that I could lose it myself, and if I couldn't then I didn't deserve to lose it, or to be healthy or active. But then one day, towards the end of my sons pre-kindergarten year, I caught a glimpse of myself in the window at the school. I was standing next to another mom, who I had considered to be quite "fluffy". Seeing myself next to her, and seeing how much bigger than her I was, knocked me into reality.

I never admitted I was fat. I remember in 3rd grade, my mom took me to the doctor because I was gaining weight. He put me on a diet, and I went back to school, with my new lunchbox full of healthy food items. No one took their lunch back then, not like now. My son wouldn't be caught dead eating a school lunch, unless it's pizza. I remember sitting in the gym, the same gym that my son plays in daily, and telling myself "this just isn't going to happen". I was 8 yrs old, and I shut down. From that point on, I stopped looking in the mirror, I never acted like there was a problem, I didn't eat in public. I just didn't acknowledge it.

When I was in high school, it became an issue for me, and I lost weight. I stayed fairly thin, I've never been skinny, for a few years. But something would throw me off and I would gain a ton of weight so fast. I'd drop some diet pills and then lose it, but as soon as I stopped taking them I'd balloon up again. When I got married, I gained, and I just never lost it. I was so big that when I got pregnant, I would actually lose weight. I always walked out of the hospital looking like a million bucks with my full healthy hair, long fingernails, 20 pounds lighter with a beautiful baby in my arms. But eventually, I'd gain it back, plus some.

So now I've decided that it's time. It's time to utilize the tools that are out there to help me. It wasn't an easy decision, it wasn't a quick decision. It took a lot of soul searching, coming to terms with my problem. It took spending time with my husband and being sure that he was ok with this. We're ok. I have no doubts, but I'm ready to get it done. I started this on June 25 of 2008. I went through two denials before finally getting approved. Now I'm 10 days out, and I'm excited to see how the second half of my life will be.

Honestly, if I get hit by a car the day I hit my goal weight, I'll be livid.

In an effort to be honest with myself. In an effort to own up to my problems, admit them so that I can move on. I'm opting to disclose my weight to someone aside from my husband, for the first time since I was 17 yrs old. I weighed 298 when I went to my initial consultation. My BMI is 45. I'm 5'7". The lowest I remember weighing was 170 and that was when I was 18 years old. My goal is to lose 50 lbs. Once I lose that 50 lbs I will set another attainable goal for myself. I will not set a goal of losing 100 lbs. It's too overwhelming. Baby steps.

Tomorrow starts the second half of my life. I am determined, I am resolved, and I will succeed.