Mirrors

Last night I was walking out of the bathroom and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I was wearing some pj pants that my sister got me, and a big t-shirt, but the t-shirt was sort of hiked up. I glanced, and then looked again. I can see it! I didn't think I could, but there it was. I also caught a look in the patio door reflection. I guess at 23 lbs I should be able to tell some difference, but I hadn't until last night. So then I had this epiphany about how I had avoided mirrors for so long

When I was younger, I would sit on the floor in front of a full length mirror and put on my makeup, roll my hair, etc. Of course that mirror was a little slanted as to make me loook thinner, but still. It would take me over an hour to get ready, it was my ritual and I loved it. I guess that in the past few years, when the weight really came on, I have avoided mirrors in an attempt to keep up with the denial. I realized last night that I brush my teeth in the kitchen, under the guise that bathroom germs can get on my toothbrush. Which is still kind of skeevy to me but whatever. I might blow dry my hair, but I never looked at myself, I kept my head down, I hadn't used any sort of hair tool in years. I did my makeup using my little compact mirror because I just couldn't stand to look at myself in a large mirror. I hated getting my hair cut, because of the damn mirror. I hated doing anything that involved a mirror. I wouldn't even try on clothes, I bought them and took them home and if they didn't fit I took them back. I hated mirrors!

My refusal to look at my reflection for the past 9 years, is what got me in the position I was in when I caught that glimpse of myself in the window at the school last spring. The relection that started this whole process. That day I wanted to die, to just lay down and die. I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but I knew I had to do something. Now here I am 6 months later with my whole life ahead of me, catching a looky loo at myself in the bathroom mirror, and feeling pretty damn good about things.

Mirrors man...