I'm feeling pretty good today. Still haven't lost any significant weight yet, but I'm upping my water, and my protein and moving around more. I definitely feel lighter and I have more energy. We took the kids to get some Christmas decorations and stuff, we spent waaaay too much money. But it's Christmas so what are you gonna do?
We opted to get them these ridiculously large stockings this year. Normally I'm a stickler for tradition, but as they get older, it makes more sense to have bigger stockings. I think what I'll do is take their picture each year and make little buttons for the stockings. It's an idea, but let's be honest, I'll be lucky to get their names on them. We also got our traditional ornament. We each pick out an ornament and we mark the year on it. Bob and I have done it since our first Christmas. The kids love it.
I feel more normal now. Getting out does me good. I'm going to get some Christmas shopping done this week. Get the house all cleaned up and ready to decorate next weekend. Before you know it, I'll be baking everyone's favorite goodies for Christmas. Everyone has something they wait all year for me to make, and I'm glad I feel like doing it this year. The truth is, of all the things I make, and I make a lot of stuff, I never really eat much of it so that won't be a huge problem.
On Thursday I go in for my 2 week follow up. At this time I will be moved on to what some call "mushy's", by nutritionist calls them "thick liquids". Whatever, I'm happy to move on to something that I don't have to drink. I won't be missing soup, I can tell you that. I also won't be partaking in baby food either. I just can't pull the trigger on that. Today I bought some things in preparation for the big day. I got some cream of wheat, grits (I'm from the south and I have never had grits, if you can believe that). I also bought deviled ham, and chicken. I don't know what's going to happen with this, but I'm going in optimistic. I also bought a couple of avocados that will be just right for dinner on Thursday night.
Tonight I made Bear Creek tortilla soup, those Bear Creek soups are awesome btw. I made it up, threw in some tortilla chips and put it through the food processor. It was pretty good, and I got full really quickly. It was a little thicker than my other soups, but I did really well with it. It's a strange feeling to get full so quickly. I like it, but it's weird.
I can't seem to get all the water in that I want to get in. And things still aren't "moving" as well as I would like them to. But I'm working on it. I'm upping my protein, and hoping that will help as well. I feel like my G.G. with the getting things moving nonsense.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Kettle chips and diet pepsi
It use to be that on Friday nights, I would get my US magazine in the mail. I get this because my friend Tina sent me a link to get a years subscription for $5. Whenever I get the mail, I see it, and I say "thanks Tina", then I go inside and make myself an ice cold diet pepsi, grab a bag of kettle chips and settle in for a while. It wasn't that unusual for me to consume the entire bag of kettle chips.
Last night, I got my magazine, said "thanks Tina", went in the house and had a carnation instant breakfast with a blob of peanut butter and some ice water with lime. Not the same. It's little things like this that remind me that things will never be the same. The only thing that is worse than not being able to have the chips and diet pepsi, is that it bothers me that I won't get them. Why does it have to bother me? Why can't I just be ok with it?
I'm a work in progress, I realize this. I made it through Thanksgiving, and I made it through the realization that Friday nights with US and kettle chips and diet pepsi are over. In a couple of months I will be able to eat kettle chips again, and in about 6 months I can have diet pepsi again. I have got to get my mind set changed or next year at this time I'll be spending my friday nights just as a did a month ago. I have to come up with other things that I look forward to that do not involve food. I don't know how to do this, it's just how I have always done things.
Should I take up knitting? I don't know.
Last night, I got my magazine, said "thanks Tina", went in the house and had a carnation instant breakfast with a blob of peanut butter and some ice water with lime. Not the same. It's little things like this that remind me that things will never be the same. The only thing that is worse than not being able to have the chips and diet pepsi, is that it bothers me that I won't get them. Why does it have to bother me? Why can't I just be ok with it?
I'm a work in progress, I realize this. I made it through Thanksgiving, and I made it through the realization that Friday nights with US and kettle chips and diet pepsi are over. In a couple of months I will be able to eat kettle chips again, and in about 6 months I can have diet pepsi again. I have got to get my mind set changed or next year at this time I'll be spending my friday nights just as a did a month ago. I have to come up with other things that I look forward to that do not involve food. I don't know how to do this, it's just how I have always done things.
Should I take up knitting? I don't know.
Friday, November 28, 2008
I survived Thanksgiving
I made it through Thanksgiving. At one week post op I was souping it while the rest of the family had their regular dinner. Seriously, being a week post op at a holiday dinner is like being a recovering drunk at a kegger. Everyone sort of looks at you like "is she ok, can we eat". I did fine, I had my soup and I was full to the brim after eating it, the smell of food was a little nauseating to be honest. Ok, I'm lying to protect myself, it smelled good, but I was ok. I fought my niece over the one popsicle I took. She wanted it, I told her to stuff a turkey leg, she told me to chill, I told her to come back and talk to me when she is NO LONGER 7.
I was fine until I got home last night. Then I had the "what if's". What if I had just waited until after the first of the year. I would have met my deductible early in the year, I wouldn't have to be tired or weak during Christmas shopping. I would be able to stuff myself sick through the holidays. That's what I really thought if I'm being honest.
But this year, I picked me over the food. I'm feeling pretty good about that choice right about now. Yeah, I felt left out. I was 8 years old and taking my Mork and Mindy lunchbox into the cafeteria, I stuck out like a sore thumb. But I did it, and because I did it, I'll have many more Thanksgivings for it.
Again, I must stress that if I am injured or disabled in any way after I hit my goal weight, I'm kicking somebody's ass. Not unlike I was willing to do to a 7 year old over a cherry popsicle.
I was fine until I got home last night. Then I had the "what if's". What if I had just waited until after the first of the year. I would have met my deductible early in the year, I wouldn't have to be tired or weak during Christmas shopping. I would be able to stuff myself sick through the holidays. That's what I really thought if I'm being honest.
But this year, I picked me over the food. I'm feeling pretty good about that choice right about now. Yeah, I felt left out. I was 8 years old and taking my Mork and Mindy lunchbox into the cafeteria, I stuck out like a sore thumb. But I did it, and because I did it, I'll have many more Thanksgivings for it.
Again, I must stress that if I am injured or disabled in any way after I hit my goal weight, I'm kicking somebody's ass. Not unlike I was willing to do to a 7 year old over a cherry popsicle.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Happy Thanksgiving!
It's Thanksgiving, one of my very favorite holidays. Thanksgiving is serious. My cousin and I take it very seriously. In our family we are all assigned a dish for holidays. My sister was assigned the green bean casserole. Last year she fell ill (we question that to this day) and was unable to make the green bean casserole. Not only that, no one else had planned for it, and that's not a dish that can be thrown together unless you are prone to keeping fried onions in your pantry.
Upon realizing that the green bean casserole was at risk, I rushed over to my cousins on the way to my Nanas. I hockey stopped in her driveway, and yelled out the window "there is no green bean casserole". She ran back into her house, and ran back out carrying a can of cream of mushroom soup. "It's not enough, we have no fried onions!" "THANKSGIVING IS RUINED, SHE RUINED THANKSGIVING!!" We were in full on panic. All the phones were ringing, calling around for fried onions. We knew that she had some, but we couldn't get my brother in law to offer them up, and no one wanted to flat out ask for them. My Nana searched her pantry and came up with a few cans of green beans. GREEN BEANS? PLAIN GREEN BEANS?!?!? NO THAT WILL NEVER DO! WE MUST HAVE FRIED ONIONS!!! In my memory of the day, it was mass hysteria, people throwing off their clothes as if they were burning their skin, we were writhing in pain. It was horrible. In reality, I was the only one that really had an issue with it.
Eventually we sent my sister who was 18 at the time to the store to get some of those precious fried onions. The family was on dessert when she returned, she was 18 and no doubt had to go pick up a couple of her homies to go with her. I wasn't about to start until we had the green bean casserole. Thanksgiving dinner is VERY important.
This year, I will have soup while everyone else partakes in my absolute favorite meal of the year. At first I didn't want to go, I would just stay here and read and let this be another day. But then I realized that although it is my favorite dinner, there are other reasons I love to go to my Nanas on Thanksgiving.
After dinner, we all sit around full and miserable, with a plate of desert on our swollen bellies. We laugh about the fact that there is one bathroom for all 30 of us, and at some point in the day things are going to get ugly. Then we look through the ads for Black Friday and discuss how we should get up and go shopping. The kids run around and play in the leaves and tear things up. We play musical chairs for a comfortable place that isn't in front of a mirror, and we laugh. We laugh about Thanksgivings past and miss those who are no longer with us. We realize, although only to ourselves, that we are so truly lucky and blessed to have this crazy group of people to spend our holidays with. We thank God for each and every one of them, even though no less than 12 times this past year we cursed their existence for one reason or another.
So I'm going even though I can't eat. I'm going for what happens afterwards. I'm going because these people who annoy the sneezer out of me all year long, crack me up more often than not.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Upon realizing that the green bean casserole was at risk, I rushed over to my cousins on the way to my Nanas. I hockey stopped in her driveway, and yelled out the window "there is no green bean casserole". She ran back into her house, and ran back out carrying a can of cream of mushroom soup. "It's not enough, we have no fried onions!" "THANKSGIVING IS RUINED, SHE RUINED THANKSGIVING!!" We were in full on panic. All the phones were ringing, calling around for fried onions. We knew that she had some, but we couldn't get my brother in law to offer them up, and no one wanted to flat out ask for them. My Nana searched her pantry and came up with a few cans of green beans. GREEN BEANS? PLAIN GREEN BEANS?!?!? NO THAT WILL NEVER DO! WE MUST HAVE FRIED ONIONS!!! In my memory of the day, it was mass hysteria, people throwing off their clothes as if they were burning their skin, we were writhing in pain. It was horrible. In reality, I was the only one that really had an issue with it.
Eventually we sent my sister who was 18 at the time to the store to get some of those precious fried onions. The family was on dessert when she returned, she was 18 and no doubt had to go pick up a couple of her homies to go with her. I wasn't about to start until we had the green bean casserole. Thanksgiving dinner is VERY important.
This year, I will have soup while everyone else partakes in my absolute favorite meal of the year. At first I didn't want to go, I would just stay here and read and let this be another day. But then I realized that although it is my favorite dinner, there are other reasons I love to go to my Nanas on Thanksgiving.
After dinner, we all sit around full and miserable, with a plate of desert on our swollen bellies. We laugh about the fact that there is one bathroom for all 30 of us, and at some point in the day things are going to get ugly. Then we look through the ads for Black Friday and discuss how we should get up and go shopping. The kids run around and play in the leaves and tear things up. We play musical chairs for a comfortable place that isn't in front of a mirror, and we laugh. We laugh about Thanksgivings past and miss those who are no longer with us. We realize, although only to ourselves, that we are so truly lucky and blessed to have this crazy group of people to spend our holidays with. We thank God for each and every one of them, even though no less than 12 times this past year we cursed their existence for one reason or another.
So I'm going even though I can't eat. I'm going for what happens afterwards. I'm going because these people who annoy the sneezer out of me all year long, crack me up more often than not.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Ohhh, bad day
Today has been tough. We took the girl to get her 4 yr pictures taken. This was no easy task, from getting dressed to leaving the studio. I'm what, 5 days post op? I guess I think I should be able to run around like I did 2 weeks ago, and I got depressed when I got so exhausted and sore and tired so early. She and I usually run the mall, do our thing, and today it was just almost a chore. She wanted to look at boots. I wanted to look at boots too, but I knew I was running out of steam. I felt like I let her down. I don't know. We went to her tumbling gym and her coach was there, she got to try out the new trampoline, before anyone else, so she was all about that. Maybe that made up for it.
So anyway, we got the pictures. I was ready to scream but we got them. At the end, we had to get a couple more to fill up the roll. She refused, REFUSED. So I got down on the floor, and posed to try and convince her to do it. I have done some pretty self humilating things to get that child to do what I need her to do, and this was no different. Was it as bad as doing the bunny hop in ballet? Hmm... Probably not, but it was still pretty bad. But it worked, and we got them.
Afterwards, I sat there, sort of sore and a little hungry because I didn't think it would take so stinking long to do that so I didn't take a shake with me. The lady who did ours kept helping other people. Finally we got to pic out our poses, and paid. Then I wanted the layout so I had to wait for that. In the end, I was barely able to stand up and pissed off. I went to my moms and had some chicken broth. I was ok after that. But I definitely felt my limitations today. It made me sad, a little sorry for myself. I wanted to just get up and run after this and not even miss a beat. My body is a little more realistic than my brain I suppose.
So the question is. Do I take on the 2 giant hair knots under the upper level of my daughters gorgeous red mane? Or do I save that for a day when I'm not quite so zapped and risk it getting worse? If it gets much worse she's going to be sporting a pixie cut.
So anyway, we got the pictures. I was ready to scream but we got them. At the end, we had to get a couple more to fill up the roll. She refused, REFUSED. So I got down on the floor, and posed to try and convince her to do it. I have done some pretty self humilating things to get that child to do what I need her to do, and this was no different. Was it as bad as doing the bunny hop in ballet? Hmm... Probably not, but it was still pretty bad. But it worked, and we got them.
Afterwards, I sat there, sort of sore and a little hungry because I didn't think it would take so stinking long to do that so I didn't take a shake with me. The lady who did ours kept helping other people. Finally we got to pic out our poses, and paid. Then I wanted the layout so I had to wait for that. In the end, I was barely able to stand up and pissed off. I went to my moms and had some chicken broth. I was ok after that. But I definitely felt my limitations today. It made me sad, a little sorry for myself. I wanted to just get up and run after this and not even miss a beat. My body is a little more realistic than my brain I suppose.
So the question is. Do I take on the 2 giant hair knots under the upper level of my daughters gorgeous red mane? Or do I save that for a day when I'm not quite so zapped and risk it getting worse? If it gets much worse she's going to be sporting a pixie cut.
Monday, November 24, 2008
The most exciting pooh since 2003 (TMI)
I realize this is not necessarily proper conversation, if you are easily offended, please stop reading. I poohed today. There has not been this much excitement about pooh since my boy made his first pooh on the day he was born. I was sitting here, thought it was just another gas bubble, but something told me different. I stopped what I was doing, thought about it, then ran to the bathroom. Sure enough, there it was. I mean it wasn't magnificent, nor was it much. But it was there.
I was a little disappointed to tell you the truth. I guess after everything, I thought there would be more fanfare. I thought maybe some fireworks. Maybe some warning shots, perhaps a gurgle or something. But it was just what it was. Pooh.
But I feel like I've accomplished something. I got a little cocky. I went to pick Jack up at school. I'm still shaky and rubbery so I wasn't sure I could drive yet. But I did. I came home exhausted, but I did it. I'm starting to feel a little more normal now.
I was a little disappointed to tell you the truth. I guess after everything, I thought there would be more fanfare. I thought maybe some fireworks. Maybe some warning shots, perhaps a gurgle or something. But it was just what it was. Pooh.
But I feel like I've accomplished something. I got a little cocky. I went to pick Jack up at school. I'm still shaky and rubbery so I wasn't sure I could drive yet. But I did. I came home exhausted, but I did it. I'm starting to feel a little more normal now.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
2 days post op
It's Sat and I've had this thing for 2 and a half days. I still wake up in the middle of the night, and smile because it's there. I am so absolutely thrilled with everything that has transpired over the last 2 weeks, and I am as giddy as a fat girl who lassoed her first boyfriend.
I took myself off of the devil pills that the doctor gave me, because they made my mouth so dry that I couldn't sleep. I would wake up, sip some water and I could actually feel my mouth come back to life. I got an Advil gel cap down today (thank God for Advil gel caps) and I'm off the hard stuff for good. I really would be fine without anything. But I feel a little bit sore and it helps me get comfy for bedtime. I took a shower today, it was a day early but I really needed it. I felt really good afterwards. I did get hungry as a bear, so I made some tomato soup, I ate about 5 sips of it and got full as a tic. So I stopped. The old me would not have stopped, she would have drank down the warm tomato-y soup with all the yummy flavors until she puked. But the new me just quit while she was ahead. It will be just as good warmed up later when I'm hungry again.
The big thing I was concerned about was the gas pain. I had heard such horrible things. The day of my surgery I told the doc that I was afraid of the pain, he told me not to be, they would get rid of it. I guess they did because I haven't had hardly any gas pain. I'm passing gas just fine, and it's coming out with a vengeance from both ends. It's cool though, at least it's coming out!
Emotionally, I couldn't ask for more. I realize that could change at the drop of a hat, but for now I'm enjoying the bliss. I'll be skipping Thanksgiving this year, and I'm ok with that. I'll miss everyone, but Christmas is right around the corner. I can't wait for Christmas this year!
I took myself off of the devil pills that the doctor gave me, because they made my mouth so dry that I couldn't sleep. I would wake up, sip some water and I could actually feel my mouth come back to life. I got an Advil gel cap down today (thank God for Advil gel caps) and I'm off the hard stuff for good. I really would be fine without anything. But I feel a little bit sore and it helps me get comfy for bedtime. I took a shower today, it was a day early but I really needed it. I felt really good afterwards. I did get hungry as a bear, so I made some tomato soup, I ate about 5 sips of it and got full as a tic. So I stopped. The old me would not have stopped, she would have drank down the warm tomato-y soup with all the yummy flavors until she puked. But the new me just quit while she was ahead. It will be just as good warmed up later when I'm hungry again.
The big thing I was concerned about was the gas pain. I had heard such horrible things. The day of my surgery I told the doc that I was afraid of the pain, he told me not to be, they would get rid of it. I guess they did because I haven't had hardly any gas pain. I'm passing gas just fine, and it's coming out with a vengeance from both ends. It's cool though, at least it's coming out!
Emotionally, I couldn't ask for more. I realize that could change at the drop of a hat, but for now I'm enjoying the bliss. I'll be skipping Thanksgiving this year, and I'm ok with that. I'll miss everyone, but Christmas is right around the corner. I can't wait for Christmas this year!
Friday, November 21, 2008
My surgery story
I got to the hospital one time, but for some reason they were backed up or something, so it took a while to get in a room. Then they gave me one of those funky gowns with the snaps that didn't even begin to allow for modesty. I sat there forever, then the doctor came in and we talked. Finally after about an hour and a half, they started with the IV and paperwork. I could tell the doctor was less than thrilled that I wasn't ready when he was.
So I went to the OR, they gave me a shot in my IV and the next thing that I remember was waking up in recovery next to some guy who kept saying he had to pee, the nurse kept telling him to go ahead and do it, he had a catheter in. Then another lady in recovery was screaming like a banshee. The fire alarm went off, and the lady next to me wasn't waking up from the anesthesia, so there were a ton of doctors working with her. Meanwhile I was laying there with my hands behind my head, just watching it all.
I got into my room, and within 10 minutes I got up and walked, went to pee, and took a pain pill. Next thing I know I'm home. I'm not in any pain, not any bad pain anyway. My stomach feels like it would feel if I were really hungry. Just sort of some spasm like things now and then. I slept ok, about 4am I went to the couch because I was hurting in my back from not being able to lay on my side. My mouth is so dry, it literally feels like I have cotton in my mouth.
Today I'm drinking broth, water, and some fruit juice. I'm not hungry at all, and I feel so amazingly good about the whole thing. I keep waking up from my demerol induced coma, not believing I actually did it, and I have no where to go butdown. No pain, feeling great, if I wasn't so drowsy from the pain meds, I'd go walk around the mall. So far, I haven't gas that bad. I have it, but it's not debilitating, just annoying.
I can definitely feel when I swallow that something is different. I can feel it stop. Twice last night and today, I had some water come back up on me, it wasn't bad, but it wasn't fun. I imagine I took too big a sip.
So I did it! The kids are being so sweet and they want to take care of me, and of course my Bobby is my rock. I don't know what I would do without him, and I have no intention of finding out.
So I went to the OR, they gave me a shot in my IV and the next thing that I remember was waking up in recovery next to some guy who kept saying he had to pee, the nurse kept telling him to go ahead and do it, he had a catheter in. Then another lady in recovery was screaming like a banshee. The fire alarm went off, and the lady next to me wasn't waking up from the anesthesia, so there were a ton of doctors working with her. Meanwhile I was laying there with my hands behind my head, just watching it all.
I got into my room, and within 10 minutes I got up and walked, went to pee, and took a pain pill. Next thing I know I'm home. I'm not in any pain, not any bad pain anyway. My stomach feels like it would feel if I were really hungry. Just sort of some spasm like things now and then. I slept ok, about 4am I went to the couch because I was hurting in my back from not being able to lay on my side. My mouth is so dry, it literally feels like I have cotton in my mouth.
Today I'm drinking broth, water, and some fruit juice. I'm not hungry at all, and I feel so amazingly good about the whole thing. I keep waking up from my demerol induced coma, not believing I actually did it, and I have no where to go butdown. No pain, feeling great, if I wasn't so drowsy from the pain meds, I'd go walk around the mall. So far, I haven't gas that bad. I have it, but it's not debilitating, just annoying.
I can definitely feel when I swallow that something is different. I can feel it stop. Twice last night and today, I had some water come back up on me, it wasn't bad, but it wasn't fun. I imagine I took too big a sip.
So I did it! The kids are being so sweet and they want to take care of me, and of course my Bobby is my rock. I don't know what I would do without him, and I have no intention of finding out.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Day before surgery
Tomorrow is the big day. At this time tomorrow I'll be home and hopefully high as a kite on liquid Vicoden. Yeah baby!
Today I ran around like a monkey on crack, how I did this considering the past 10 days is beyond me. I gave up on the protein shakes, I burped one up for 3 hours last night and decided that come hell or high water I was going to find something I could stomach, or start looking into wigs. I just couldn't stomach them. I don't even want them in my house. I took some back to GNC and when the dude (cause they're all dudes, big buff dudes), when he asked if something was wrong with them, I wanted to say "yeah, they taste like ass" but I settled for "yeah, they taste like something my dog threw up".
So bought some of these nifty protein bullets. I got fruit punch and blue raspberry. They taste delicious, I am currently enjoying one mixed with a glass of fruit juice. Quite enchanting as my husband would say. I also tried one of these Isopure fruit drinks all the cool kids are trying, it was gooooood. But, I downed all 20 ozs in a very short period of time, and now I have cotton mouth so bad. I haven't had cotton mouth like this since I quit drinking. YEARS AGO! Also, the 40 ozs of protein in a shot like that, sent me zooming. So either the Isopure gave me the energy or I'm bi polar. But I'm coming down, I'm tired, I'm ready to hit the sack and get up in the morning and get this bitch done.
Today I ran around like a monkey on crack, how I did this considering the past 10 days is beyond me. I gave up on the protein shakes, I burped one up for 3 hours last night and decided that come hell or high water I was going to find something I could stomach, or start looking into wigs. I just couldn't stomach them. I don't even want them in my house. I took some back to GNC and when the dude (cause they're all dudes, big buff dudes), when he asked if something was wrong with them, I wanted to say "yeah, they taste like ass" but I settled for "yeah, they taste like something my dog threw up".
So bought some of these nifty protein bullets. I got fruit punch and blue raspberry. They taste delicious, I am currently enjoying one mixed with a glass of fruit juice. Quite enchanting as my husband would say. I also tried one of these Isopure fruit drinks all the cool kids are trying, it was gooooood. But, I downed all 20 ozs in a very short period of time, and now I have cotton mouth so bad. I haven't had cotton mouth like this since I quit drinking. YEARS AGO! Also, the 40 ozs of protein in a shot like that, sent me zooming. So either the Isopure gave me the energy or I'm bi polar. But I'm coming down, I'm tired, I'm ready to hit the sack and get up in the morning and get this bitch done.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Pre-op Day 9
48 hours to go. I'm doing pretty good actually. I'm not at all hungry, but I am dizzy and I have a headache. My biggest issue seems to be a complete and total lack of patience and/or tolerance. For this reason, I've secluded myself into my starvation cave until I am more "human-like".
I was very optimistic about the protein shakes going into this. I tried one at GNC and I thought it was pretty good, I thought I was in like Flynn. Once I made them at home, not so much. So I hold my nose while I drink it and then follow up with a lemonade chaser. Oh to catch a horrible cold right now would be a blessing. One of those "I can't taste anything" colds. Although I suspect these might find a way to break through all the goo. I don't know why this is a problem, 15 years ago I did shots of nastier things than this with my hands behind my back. Literally. But I guess it's part of it, I never ate anything that wasn't gross for 38 years and I got fat. If I have to suck down a few of these bastards for a couple of weeks then so be it.
This is so much easier now that I've come to terms with the emotional aspect of it. Not that I think I'm done by any means with dealing with myself, but at least I know the direction I need to go in.
I was very optimistic about the protein shakes going into this. I tried one at GNC and I thought it was pretty good, I thought I was in like Flynn. Once I made them at home, not so much. So I hold my nose while I drink it and then follow up with a lemonade chaser. Oh to catch a horrible cold right now would be a blessing. One of those "I can't taste anything" colds. Although I suspect these might find a way to break through all the goo. I don't know why this is a problem, 15 years ago I did shots of nastier things than this with my hands behind my back. Literally. But I guess it's part of it, I never ate anything that wasn't gross for 38 years and I got fat. If I have to suck down a few of these bastards for a couple of weeks then so be it.
This is so much easier now that I've come to terms with the emotional aspect of it. Not that I think I'm done by any means with dealing with myself, but at least I know the direction I need to go in.
Monday, November 17, 2008
I'm going through changes/Pre-op day 8
Today I start the liquid diet. I'm happy, I'm sick and tired of what I had to eat every day last week. It got old fast. Add to that, my appetite is gone and this is much easier.
Yesterday I took a muscle relaxer for cramps, since I can't take Advil. It messed me up so bad. I literally slept all day long. It was insane. I couldn't keep my eyes open at all. Today I feel better, but I definitely don't feel like myself. I'm certainly going through some personality changes right now. I'm usually funny, I can't find my laugh button. I'm not quiet at all as a rule, but I am now. I just sort of sit and watch what's going on around me, I can't even force myself to interact. I don't want to. I want to just be alone and come to terms with all that's happening. Sat. I broke down for the first time, I asked my husband why do I have to do this? Why can't I just not have a problem? Why do I have to go so far as to have surgery to lose weight and be healthy? Why am I so friggin' weak? He had no answers, but he did have big strong shoulders for me to cry on, and he held me as long as the kids allowed. I felt better after the breakdown, but I'm still asking why.
I guess there is no good answer. I guess I should just be happy that there is help for me, because the alternative isn't good. I just hope that in the process of losing the weight, I don't lose myself. I don't want to lose who I am deep inside. I like her, I'm proud of her. She is nice, compassionate, funny, likeable, she's a good person. Everyone loves her.
So I will keep that in mind, as I go through this process. I will keep her on the front burner and remember that she is the boss, regardless of what happens to the outside of the body is the boss of the inside. She makes the rules, and she sets the pace.
Yesterday I took a muscle relaxer for cramps, since I can't take Advil. It messed me up so bad. I literally slept all day long. It was insane. I couldn't keep my eyes open at all. Today I feel better, but I definitely don't feel like myself. I'm certainly going through some personality changes right now. I'm usually funny, I can't find my laugh button. I'm not quiet at all as a rule, but I am now. I just sort of sit and watch what's going on around me, I can't even force myself to interact. I don't want to. I want to just be alone and come to terms with all that's happening. Sat. I broke down for the first time, I asked my husband why do I have to do this? Why can't I just not have a problem? Why do I have to go so far as to have surgery to lose weight and be healthy? Why am I so friggin' weak? He had no answers, but he did have big strong shoulders for me to cry on, and he held me as long as the kids allowed. I felt better after the breakdown, but I'm still asking why.
I guess there is no good answer. I guess I should just be happy that there is help for me, because the alternative isn't good. I just hope that in the process of losing the weight, I don't lose myself. I don't want to lose who I am deep inside. I like her, I'm proud of her. She is nice, compassionate, funny, likeable, she's a good person. Everyone loves her.
So I will keep that in mind, as I go through this process. I will keep her on the front burner and remember that she is the boss, regardless of what happens to the outside of the body is the boss of the inside. She makes the rules, and she sets the pace.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Pre-Op Day 5
I'm on day 5 of the pre-op diet. I hit the wall on Wed. and I have had to force myself to eat the past 2 days. It's bizarre because I'm averaging around 2 lbs a day, except for yesterday when I didn't eat enough and I actually gained. I have no idea what's going on with my body. I also woke up really thirsty so maybe it's water gain.
Yesterday I went to have the pre-op tests done. Bloodwork and an EKG, as usual all is well. Afterwards I hunted down this miracle protein and found it. The guy at GNC let me try it and it was awesome. Even the powder smells good. I got some coconut and banana extracts to put in the vanilla, I think knowing that there is a protein shake out there that I can get down takes away a lot of my anxiety. I haven't been terribly thirsty (except for this morning) so I'm hoping that will be the case from now on. I love my water, and sipping will be difficult for me.
Emotionally I'm all over the place. My husband called me last night at 8pm to check on me, I was great. At 8:30pm I called him and told him that I was leaving when he got home and I wasn't sure if I was coming back or not. My kids were fighting and out of control and my nerves are shot. Finally I just went to bed. Still no desire to cheat, no cravings, no issues with the dieting. I do think that it is affecting my demeanor and I hate that. I'm fighting it. So two more days of this and then the 3day liquid diet and we're on the launch pad. It can't come soon enough for me.
Yesterday I went to have the pre-op tests done. Bloodwork and an EKG, as usual all is well. Afterwards I hunted down this miracle protein and found it. The guy at GNC let me try it and it was awesome. Even the powder smells good. I got some coconut and banana extracts to put in the vanilla, I think knowing that there is a protein shake out there that I can get down takes away a lot of my anxiety. I haven't been terribly thirsty (except for this morning) so I'm hoping that will be the case from now on. I love my water, and sipping will be difficult for me.
Emotionally I'm all over the place. My husband called me last night at 8pm to check on me, I was great. At 8:30pm I called him and told him that I was leaving when he got home and I wasn't sure if I was coming back or not. My kids were fighting and out of control and my nerves are shot. Finally I just went to bed. Still no desire to cheat, no cravings, no issues with the dieting. I do think that it is affecting my demeanor and I hate that. I'm fighting it. So two more days of this and then the 3day liquid diet and we're on the launch pad. It can't come soon enough for me.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Pre-op Diet Day 2
Yesterday was the first day of my pre op diet. I did ok, I got pretty grumpy but I attribute that more to PMS than anything else. I woke up this morning and weighed myself and I lost 2.5lbs yesterday. I'm not sure how that's possible but there it is. Then again I pretty much ate nothing so that might be part of it. Whatever the reason, it made it really easy to stay on track today.
Today has been a little bit worse. Again, I think most of it is PMS. I'm not tempted to cheat at all, I'm just trying to get by one day at a time. I think that when I went on diets, there was always the possibility that if it got hard, I could just start again the next day. That's not an option this time around, I must do this. And another incentive, I just read that the smaller the liver (the whole purpose of the pre op diet), the shorter amount of time you're under anesthesia AND more importantly, the less gas they put in your tummy. I'm all about that. I remember having the gas pains after I had the boy, I also remember calling my mom the night I brought him home and telling her I was dying and that she needed to make sure he knew how much I loved him. This was 2 days after I had beeb wheeled into the OR faster than I ever imagined to be put to sleep for my c/section. I wasn't ready! I kept saying "wait, wait, wait". They slowed down enough for me to tell my husband that I loved him, and then I thanked them because if I died, I didn't want my last words to be "wait". I'm prone to dramatics I suppose.
So now I've made it 2 days out of 10. They say after day 4 or so you hit the wall and you aren't even hungry anymore. So I'm halfway to the wall. I hope to hit it hard and fast!
Today has been a little bit worse. Again, I think most of it is PMS. I'm not tempted to cheat at all, I'm just trying to get by one day at a time. I think that when I went on diets, there was always the possibility that if it got hard, I could just start again the next day. That's not an option this time around, I must do this. And another incentive, I just read that the smaller the liver (the whole purpose of the pre op diet), the shorter amount of time you're under anesthesia AND more importantly, the less gas they put in your tummy. I'm all about that. I remember having the gas pains after I had the boy, I also remember calling my mom the night I brought him home and telling her I was dying and that she needed to make sure he knew how much I loved him. This was 2 days after I had beeb wheeled into the OR faster than I ever imagined to be put to sleep for my c/section. I wasn't ready! I kept saying "wait, wait, wait". They slowed down enough for me to tell my husband that I loved him, and then I thanked them because if I died, I didn't want my last words to be "wait". I'm prone to dramatics I suppose.
So now I've made it 2 days out of 10. They say after day 4 or so you hit the wall and you aren't even hungry anymore. So I'm halfway to the wall. I hope to hit it hard and fast!
Sunday, November 9, 2008
In the beginning
I am having lapband surgery on Nov. 20th. I start the pre-op diet tomorrow, and so today is sort of the last day of the first half of my life. The first half of my life wasn't bad. I grew up, I made the life changing mistakes that I needed to make. I met the love of my life and he gave me two beautiful children. The three of them have given me the courage, and the will to do what I need to do to make the second half of my life more productive.
I've always been a big girl. I lost weight here and there, but it always found it's way back. I am not proud of where I have gotten, weightwise. I'm not sure how it happened. I always thought that I could lose it myself, and if I couldn't then I didn't deserve to lose it, or to be healthy or active. But then one day, towards the end of my sons pre-kindergarten year, I caught a glimpse of myself in the window at the school. I was standing next to another mom, who I had considered to be quite "fluffy". Seeing myself next to her, and seeing how much bigger than her I was, knocked me into reality.
I never admitted I was fat. I remember in 3rd grade, my mom took me to the doctor because I was gaining weight. He put me on a diet, and I went back to school, with my new lunchbox full of healthy food items. No one took their lunch back then, not like now. My son wouldn't be caught dead eating a school lunch, unless it's pizza. I remember sitting in the gym, the same gym that my son plays in daily, and telling myself "this just isn't going to happen". I was 8 yrs old, and I shut down. From that point on, I stopped looking in the mirror, I never acted like there was a problem, I didn't eat in public. I just didn't acknowledge it.
When I was in high school, it became an issue for me, and I lost weight. I stayed fairly thin, I've never been skinny, for a few years. But something would throw me off and I would gain a ton of weight so fast. I'd drop some diet pills and then lose it, but as soon as I stopped taking them I'd balloon up again. When I got married, I gained, and I just never lost it. I was so big that when I got pregnant, I would actually lose weight. I always walked out of the hospital looking like a million bucks with my full healthy hair, long fingernails, 20 pounds lighter with a beautiful baby in my arms. But eventually, I'd gain it back, plus some.
So now I've decided that it's time. It's time to utilize the tools that are out there to help me. It wasn't an easy decision, it wasn't a quick decision. It took a lot of soul searching, coming to terms with my problem. It took spending time with my husband and being sure that he was ok with this. We're ok. I have no doubts, but I'm ready to get it done. I started this on June 25 of 2008. I went through two denials before finally getting approved. Now I'm 10 days out, and I'm excited to see how the second half of my life will be.
Honestly, if I get hit by a car the day I hit my goal weight, I'll be livid.
In an effort to be honest with myself. In an effort to own up to my problems, admit them so that I can move on. I'm opting to disclose my weight to someone aside from my husband, for the first time since I was 17 yrs old. I weighed 298 when I went to my initial consultation. My BMI is 45. I'm 5'7". The lowest I remember weighing was 170 and that was when I was 18 years old. My goal is to lose 50 lbs. Once I lose that 50 lbs I will set another attainable goal for myself. I will not set a goal of losing 100 lbs. It's too overwhelming. Baby steps.
Tomorrow starts the second half of my life. I am determined, I am resolved, and I will succeed.
I've always been a big girl. I lost weight here and there, but it always found it's way back. I am not proud of where I have gotten, weightwise. I'm not sure how it happened. I always thought that I could lose it myself, and if I couldn't then I didn't deserve to lose it, or to be healthy or active. But then one day, towards the end of my sons pre-kindergarten year, I caught a glimpse of myself in the window at the school. I was standing next to another mom, who I had considered to be quite "fluffy". Seeing myself next to her, and seeing how much bigger than her I was, knocked me into reality.
I never admitted I was fat. I remember in 3rd grade, my mom took me to the doctor because I was gaining weight. He put me on a diet, and I went back to school, with my new lunchbox full of healthy food items. No one took their lunch back then, not like now. My son wouldn't be caught dead eating a school lunch, unless it's pizza. I remember sitting in the gym, the same gym that my son plays in daily, and telling myself "this just isn't going to happen". I was 8 yrs old, and I shut down. From that point on, I stopped looking in the mirror, I never acted like there was a problem, I didn't eat in public. I just didn't acknowledge it.
When I was in high school, it became an issue for me, and I lost weight. I stayed fairly thin, I've never been skinny, for a few years. But something would throw me off and I would gain a ton of weight so fast. I'd drop some diet pills and then lose it, but as soon as I stopped taking them I'd balloon up again. When I got married, I gained, and I just never lost it. I was so big that when I got pregnant, I would actually lose weight. I always walked out of the hospital looking like a million bucks with my full healthy hair, long fingernails, 20 pounds lighter with a beautiful baby in my arms. But eventually, I'd gain it back, plus some.
So now I've decided that it's time. It's time to utilize the tools that are out there to help me. It wasn't an easy decision, it wasn't a quick decision. It took a lot of soul searching, coming to terms with my problem. It took spending time with my husband and being sure that he was ok with this. We're ok. I have no doubts, but I'm ready to get it done. I started this on June 25 of 2008. I went through two denials before finally getting approved. Now I'm 10 days out, and I'm excited to see how the second half of my life will be.
Honestly, if I get hit by a car the day I hit my goal weight, I'll be livid.
In an effort to be honest with myself. In an effort to own up to my problems, admit them so that I can move on. I'm opting to disclose my weight to someone aside from my husband, for the first time since I was 17 yrs old. I weighed 298 when I went to my initial consultation. My BMI is 45. I'm 5'7". The lowest I remember weighing was 170 and that was when I was 18 years old. My goal is to lose 50 lbs. Once I lose that 50 lbs I will set another attainable goal for myself. I will not set a goal of losing 100 lbs. It's too overwhelming. Baby steps.
Tomorrow starts the second half of my life. I am determined, I am resolved, and I will succeed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)