In the beginning

I am having lapband surgery on Nov. 20th. I start the pre-op diet tomorrow, and so today is sort of the last day of the first half of my life. The first half of my life wasn't bad. I grew up, I made the life changing mistakes that I needed to make. I met the love of my life and he gave me two beautiful children. The three of them have given me the courage, and the will to do what I need to do to make the second half of my life more productive.

I've always been a big girl. I lost weight here and there, but it always found it's way back. I am not proud of where I have gotten, weightwise. I'm not sure how it happened. I always thought that I could lose it myself, and if I couldn't then I didn't deserve to lose it, or to be healthy or active. But then one day, towards the end of my sons pre-kindergarten year, I caught a glimpse of myself in the window at the school. I was standing next to another mom, who I had considered to be quite "fluffy". Seeing myself next to her, and seeing how much bigger than her I was, knocked me into reality.

I never admitted I was fat. I remember in 3rd grade, my mom took me to the doctor because I was gaining weight. He put me on a diet, and I went back to school, with my new lunchbox full of healthy food items. No one took their lunch back then, not like now. My son wouldn't be caught dead eating a school lunch, unless it's pizza. I remember sitting in the gym, the same gym that my son plays in daily, and telling myself "this just isn't going to happen". I was 8 yrs old, and I shut down. From that point on, I stopped looking in the mirror, I never acted like there was a problem, I didn't eat in public. I just didn't acknowledge it.

When I was in high school, it became an issue for me, and I lost weight. I stayed fairly thin, I've never been skinny, for a few years. But something would throw me off and I would gain a ton of weight so fast. I'd drop some diet pills and then lose it, but as soon as I stopped taking them I'd balloon up again. When I got married, I gained, and I just never lost it. I was so big that when I got pregnant, I would actually lose weight. I always walked out of the hospital looking like a million bucks with my full healthy hair, long fingernails, 20 pounds lighter with a beautiful baby in my arms. But eventually, I'd gain it back, plus some.

So now I've decided that it's time. It's time to utilize the tools that are out there to help me. It wasn't an easy decision, it wasn't a quick decision. It took a lot of soul searching, coming to terms with my problem. It took spending time with my husband and being sure that he was ok with this. We're ok. I have no doubts, but I'm ready to get it done. I started this on June 25 of 2008. I went through two denials before finally getting approved. Now I'm 10 days out, and I'm excited to see how the second half of my life will be.

Honestly, if I get hit by a car the day I hit my goal weight, I'll be livid.

In an effort to be honest with myself. In an effort to own up to my problems, admit them so that I can move on. I'm opting to disclose my weight to someone aside from my husband, for the first time since I was 17 yrs old. I weighed 298 when I went to my initial consultation. My BMI is 45. I'm 5'7". The lowest I remember weighing was 170 and that was when I was 18 years old. My goal is to lose 50 lbs. Once I lose that 50 lbs I will set another attainable goal for myself. I will not set a goal of losing 100 lbs. It's too overwhelming. Baby steps.

Tomorrow starts the second half of my life. I am determined, I am resolved, and I will succeed.