Today I start the liquid diet. I'm happy, I'm sick and tired of what I had to eat every day last week. It got old fast. Add to that, my appetite is gone and this is much easier.
Yesterday I took a muscle relaxer for cramps, since I can't take Advil. It messed me up so bad. I literally slept all day long. It was insane. I couldn't keep my eyes open at all. Today I feel better, but I definitely don't feel like myself. I'm certainly going through some personality changes right now. I'm usually funny, I can't find my laugh button. I'm not quiet at all as a rule, but I am now. I just sort of sit and watch what's going on around me, I can't even force myself to interact. I don't want to. I want to just be alone and come to terms with all that's happening. Sat. I broke down for the first time, I asked my husband why do I have to do this? Why can't I just not have a problem? Why do I have to go so far as to have surgery to lose weight and be healthy? Why am I so friggin' weak? He had no answers, but he did have big strong shoulders for me to cry on, and he held me as long as the kids allowed. I felt better after the breakdown, but I'm still asking why.
I guess there is no good answer. I guess I should just be happy that there is help for me, because the alternative isn't good. I just hope that in the process of losing the weight, I don't lose myself. I don't want to lose who I am deep inside. I like her, I'm proud of her. She is nice, compassionate, funny, likeable, she's a good person. Everyone loves her.
So I will keep that in mind, as I go through this process. I will keep her on the front burner and remember that she is the boss, regardless of what happens to the outside of the body is the boss of the inside. She makes the rules, and she sets the pace.
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